The Hurt of Teen Dating Violence Often Lingers

Teen dating violence affects victims even after the relationship ends, according to advocates who work to help young people caught up in them. 

There are many individuals who have been working to stop this violence, like Malcolm Astley, who is an advocate for young teens. He wants them to learn about healthy relationships - and for good reason. 

Astley, who lost his daughter to teen dating violence six years ago, is dedicated to putting an end to it. He routinely shares his research and personal memories of losing his daughter, Lauren Astley, 18, to murder in Wayland, Mass., six years ago with students and groups who want to join his fight. 

Lauren was killed during a breakup with her boyfriend and Astley had no reason to suspect violence in their relationship. 

“Approximately 1 in 3 women and young girls are facing physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, or financial abuse at some point in their lives,” said Astley. “It’s time we join together to change how we do things and bring this violence and abuse to a stop.” 

New Hampshire State Representative Debra Altschiller supports teaching what it means to consent to kids at a young age. “Consent is in every aspect of our lives,” said Altschiller. “Consent is about communication.” 

“It’s not just sexual. Consent is part of everything we do all day long everywhere,” said Altschiller. Before you can borrow somebody’s pen, you need to get their consent to use it, she added.  

According to Altschiller, parents should teach kids what consent means at an early age by letting them decide if they want to kiss one of their relatives goodbye. "We’re teaching them that they own their body," said Altschiller.  

The idea is to let kids know that they have complete control over their bodies. “If you're feeling trapped and you are somewhere where you feel manipulated or coerced to be there and you're not giving your time freely, you have no obligation to stay,” said Altschiller. 

Consent has to be vocally given freely without manipulation or coercion. “The absence of a no is not a yes,” said Altschiller. 

Teaching consent to children also allows them to understand what a healthy friendship is, and later what a healthy relationship is. It can prevent them from being stuck in an abusive relationship, which can have many negative long-term effects. 

Young kids would learn that consent is about setting personal boundaries for themselves and others that inform societal norms. 

Along with consent, young teenagers should learn what a healthy relationship is and what it looks like, experts say.  

Nicole Daley is the program director of Start Strong, a program aimed at working with young people to end teen dating violence in Boston. Daley works together with middle schoolers to create relevant public health messaging to prevent teen dating violence. 

“I truly believe in youth development and letting young people lead the way in coming up with solutions to the issue of teen dating violence,” said Daley. “It’s important that young people speak for themselves.” 

Daley went on to discuss how to teach teens: “Focus a lot on the healthy relationships portion, helping younger teens conceptualize what they want from a healthy relationship.” 

She would also work to “unpack a lot of social norms that young people think about.” One of the social norms Daley would like to unpack is that “just because you’re not in a physically abusive relationship doesn’t mean you’re in a healthy relationship.” 

Daley said that she wants people to understand that all abusive relationships don’t look the same. “It’s not just about being hit, it’s about other forms of abuse,” said Daley. 

One of the reasons teen dating violence has become a large issue is that teens aren’t getting educated on what a healthy relationship is. “Nationally, no, there’s no law that says you need to teach about teen dating violence,” said Daley. 

The number of abusive teen relationships can be decreased if young people learn about the problem, instead of shying away from it.  

Those in abusive relationships who survive and are able to successfully get out are faced with struggles throughout the rest of their lives, she said.  

“There can be PTSD, trouble sleeping, gastrointestinal issues, depression, anxiety, headaches, stomachaches, injuries that might become chronic injuries. Those are some of the things that can come up later in life,” said Daley. 

According to Robert Eckstein, senior lecturer in Psychology and Justice Studies at the University of New Hampshire, another way to help prevent teen dating violence is to teach young teens how to intervene and help a friend who is going through it. 

“Most people, when they see little warning signs that a relationship might be abusive or problematic, they’re not usually willing to step in and do something unless the violence begins to escalate,” said Eckstein. 

People often feel like it’s not their place to intervene in someone else’s relationship. So, by educating young teens on how to effectively intervene, there will be more of a chance that teens in abusive relationships will find a way out.  

When teens are suddenly being abused by their partner, they are more likely to turn to a trusted friend than they are to turn to their parents. So, their peers should have some knowledge on how to deal with this issue if it comes up, he said. 

It is also important that teens can recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship.  

Malcolm Astley said instead of just blaming the perpetrator, “We do need to expand our efforts to understand what led to the deeply harmful and tragic act. Three women a day, on average, in our country murdered by an intimate partner.” 

One factor is how young men and women are taught about feelings. “We need to do a far better job in our schools teaching about feelings,” said Astley.  

Teaching kids these ideas at a young age can only benefit them in the future. Whether they are the ones being abused, the ones who have a friend who is being abused, or they have an urge to be the abuser, being knowledgeable about the subject can do no harm, he said. 

He believes if a friend comes to you with this problem, it would be better to know how to handle it. 

“Peers need some training and they need to be taught about what goes into a healthy and long-term relationship,” said Astley.  

Kaylee Hellen
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