Teen dating abuse victim:
“He talked to me so nasty I could feel it.”

Power and control command the lives of teens in abusive relationships.

Approximately one in ten United States teenagers experience dating violence, according to a report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The report defines dating violence as physical beating, emotional abuse, manipulation, sexual coercion, rape or stalking.

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The victim

Experts say victims have a sense of isolation and devaluation either before an abusive relationship or developing because of the relationship. Research out of the University of New Hampshire found that a sense of community is correlated with a lowered rate of dating violence.

“Teens who reported high levels of “community mattering”— feeling significant to their community, feeling like they mattered to teachers and parents— those kids reported lower levels of dating violence,” Assistant Professor Katie Edwards, researcher in the report, said.

Teens in abusive relationships report higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses which are correlated with a lowered sense of self-worth, according to the CDC.

“You really have nobody,” Nicole, best friend of teen dating violence victim and NPR reporter Rainy, said. “I feel like that’s the real reason why you’re still with [the abuser] is because you’re used to that environment— always being with him every day.…I feel like basically you don’t leave because when you come home there’s really no one here.”

In Rainy’s case, she already had a sense of isolation and devaluation before the relationship, which is what drew her to her abuser in the first place. Rainy was a 17-year-old Radio Rookie in 2013 when she worked on the program about her experience.

“[The abuser] also made you feel like you were special, like you were wanted,” Nicole said. “He was actually putting some effort into it. He would text you back, he would pick you up from the school, he didn’t even try to kiss you the first time you hung out. The poems, the song, the rap he made on Facebook.”

This is the “Honeymoon Period” for the victim and what draws the victim back into the relationship, according to Nicole Daley, Director of the Start Strong Initiative— an abusive relationship prevention program in Boston.

The abuser

“People have this idea in their heads of this batterer as a brute, or someone that you can just tell, but they’re actually very manipulative,” Daley said. “They’re actually very sweet in the beginning, they’re charming, they want to be there for you, they know how to groom people so they look for people that they might see as being more vulnerable. So someone might be having problems at home and they’ll be like ‘I can love you better’ or ‘I can be there for you when you're having problems with your family.’ Pull someone in.”

Abusers jump to manipulation and violence in their relationships because they are less able to express negative emotions in a healthy way, Daley said.

“My daughter and her boyfriend— he felt unspoken or unnamed pain, shame, and hopelessness— feelings he may not have even had words for, eventually becoming anger at being rejected,” said Malcolm Astley, father of teen dating violence victim Lauren Astley.

“If you dig into the story and the details and the psychology of these [abuse] cases, you will almost always find shame, isolation, loneliness.”

Because of this inability to cope with negative emotions, abusers batter and harm for a sense of control, said Debra Altschiller, New Hampshire State Representative and abuse victim advocate.

“It’s is about power and control,” Altschiller said. “That is the whole thing right here. Dating violence and abuse is all about power and control. Who has it, who doesn’t have it. You can unpack every dating violence situation you report on, every sexual violence assault, and you end up on the bottom with power and control.”

Manipulation

Research consistently finds that a major motivation for abusers is a desire for control. They attempt to gain control through physical and emotional abuse, specifically through manipulation.

“He [the abuser] was verbally abusive way before he became physically abusive,” Rainy said. “He talked to me so nasty that I could feel it. The bruises clear up. But the words stick with you and they change how you act. He would tell me, “you’re boring” — “you’re awkward” — “you’re the weirdest of the weird,” “you’ll never fit in anywhere.” And I believed him. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, and I didn’t talk to anyone anymore— including my mom.

Manipulation in abusive relationships is the most tricky aspect, Daley said.

“I think that for them, it’s easier to go to manipulation because they know it’s harder for the victim to put their finger on it,” Daley said. “When you have manipulation, you can look back and kind of question yourself, like ‘maybe I didn’t say it the right way,’ ‘maybe I wasn’t as clear on not wanting to do that,’ ‘maybe I backed off too quickly. It convinces you that, even if you weren’t totally at fault you were still a little at fault.”

As justification for these actions, abusers deny, are unaware, or skew their intentions, according to Daley.

“There’s a range of spectrums,” Daley said. “One is definitely denial, so just believing that their actions are not abusive when they threaten to take away the kids or break their phones. Because sometimes kids who've grown up in abusive homes, that kind of behavior, they think is normal. Two is a lot of victim blaming. If he/she/they didn’t make me do it, didn’t make me angry. So a lot of not holding themselves accountable. There’s also a little bit of manipulation in that part, playing it so they’re the victim.”

Isolation

Through manipulation, the abuser puts the victim under their control. Isolation changes the victim’s view of the world to be more limited.

“Bad things about breaking up with Tony, I’m alone,” Rainy said. “I feel like I just need someone to distract me, to take my mind off things. And I don’t have anyone now. Even on Christmas. My mom was at her boyfriend’s house, so I was on my own.

“I was just in my bed – looking at Facebook. Tony posted this status saying how Christmas will never be the same.  He obviously meant that for me because it was our anniversary. My heart stopped for a second. When he’s in my life, I don’t know it’s like, it’s the one thing that just gets me going, like really gets me going.”

Isolation drives some victims back. One way to combat this and lessen the impact on dating violence is through establishing a level of self-confidence for people at a young age, according to Malcolm Astley.

“If we haven't from the beginning helped establish a core and foundation of self-respect, there’s no foundation of which to face breakups and pain,” Astley said. “So feeling good about yourself helping your children feel good about themself, your peers feel good about themselves, it’s terribly important.”